đSticks and Stones.
The scoreboard says what everyone already knows: your team lost.
Players sit in the dugout or on the sideline, eyes down, trying to process it.
Youâre standing there, searching for the right words.
Do you talk about missed plays, effort, or attitude?
Or do you just let the silence hang?
This is one of the most important moments in youth sports. Not for fixing mistakes, but for shaping how your athletes handle them.
𧏠The Insight
After a loss, most kids donât need a lecture. They need a landing place.
Research from Chap Clarkâs book Hurt: Inside the World of Todayâs Teenagers shows that many young people experience failure as shame, not just disappointment. When they fail in front of others, they often feel exposed or even abandoned if adults rush to correct instead of connect.
When we immediately analyze or critique after a loss, we can accidentally reinforce that shame. What young athletes need first is emotional safetyâa space where they can process before they rebuild.
đ The Story
After tough losses, Tony Dungy didnât raise his voice or break down every mistake.
In his autobiography Quiet Strength, he wrote:
âYou canât get on people and expect them to perform better out of fear or anger. You have to teach them, show them, and believe in them.â
Players such as Peyton Manning and Derrick Brooks have said publicly that Dungy was always composed after losses, focusing on values like respect, effort, and consistency instead of the score.
He believed the postgame moment wasnât about venting frustration. It was about building character and trust.
đ The Shift
What you say after a loss determines whether kids feel safe enough to learn from it.
If the first words they hear are critical, their defenses go up.
If the first words they hear are groundingâempathy, perspective, beliefâtheir walls come down and theyâre ready to grow later.
đ§ The Takeaway
The goal after a tough game isnât to fix. Itâs to rebuild trust.
Your tone matters more than your words. Your presence matters more than your analysis.
Once the emotions settle, the lessons can follow.
đŹ The Script: What to Say After a Loss
Step 1: Ground the Moment
âThat one hurts. Itâs okay to feel it. Losing never feels good.â
Step 2: Anchor Identity
âOne game doesnât define who we are. Our effort and how we treat each other are what matter.â
Step 3: Offer Perspective
âWeâll talk about what we can learn tomorrow. Right now, be proud of how hard you competed.â
Step 4: Reconnect Personally
âI love coaching you guys. Get some rest. Weâll be better for this.â
Each step is based on communication frameworks from Hurt by Chap Clark and InsideOut Coaching by Joe Ehrmann. Both emphasize empathy, identity, and connection after performance setbacks.
đ
The Locker Room
Mindset Move: Lead with Presence, Not Pressure
The best leaders donât use losses to prove a point. They use them to prove they care.
Thatâs the kind of leadership Dungy modeled, and the kind athletes remember long after the final score.
â¤ď¸ The Parentsâ Bleachers
When the game ends, most kids donât want advice. They want to know if you see them.
Sports psychologist Dr. Roberta Kraus found that athletes process emotions faster when they feel heard rather than corrected.
Instead of trying to fill the silence, try a simple question:
âHow are you feeling about that one?â
Then listen. No fixing, no coaching, just presence.
Sometimes the most powerful thing a parent can say after a loss is nothing at all.
⥠BE THE CATALYST
Reply to this email: Whatâs one phrase youâve used after a loss that helped your athlete bounce back stronger?
Forward this to a coach or parent who might need a reminder that what we say after the game can shape how kids see themselves long after the score is forgotten.