🏆Questions > Directions

You’re driving home from practice.
Your kid looks out the window, quiet.
You can tell they’re replaying something.

You want to jump in with advice:

“You need to stay lower.”
“You’ve got to be more aggressive.”
“You should’ve taken that shot.”

But The Self-Driven Child makes something very clear:
When kids feel pressured or controlled, their brain shifts into stress mode.
And stress shuts down learning.

Most parents don’t mean to add stress.
We just fill the space with directions.

But what kids often need is space to think.

And the simplest way to create that space?
Ask questions.

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🧬 The Insight

Stixrud and Johnson show that kids perform better when they feel a sense of control over their lives.

Not control in the “I do whatever I want” sense.
Control in the “I have a voice, and my decisions matter” sense.

When parents always give directions, kids stay dependent.
When parents ask good questions, kids learn to think for themselves.

Questions build:

• Autonomy
• Problem-solving
• Confidence
• Emotional regulation
• Internal motivation

These are the core skills of resilient athletes.

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🏈 The Story

One of the strongest themes in The Self-Driven Child is the shift from being your child’s boss to being their consultant.

A boss tells you what to do.
A consultant stands beside you and asks:

“What do you think?”
“What are your options?”
“What feels right to you?”

There’s a section where the authors talk about how kids under chronic direction start to lose motivation because so many decisions are made for them.
Their brains literally respond as if they are being controlled, which increases anxiety and decreases performance.

But when adults hand back even a small piece of control — asking questions instead of giving orders — kids become calmer, more confident, and more engaged.

No miracle.
Just neuroscience.

Autonomy switches the brain from “threat” to “thinking.”

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🔁 The Shift

Instead of:

“Next time you need to…”

Try:

“What did you notice out there?”
“What felt tough today?”
“What do you want to work on tomorrow?”
“What’s one thing you think you improved at?”

These questions do three things:

1. They open space for reflection.

2. They give ownership back to the athlete.

3. They position you as a support, not a controller.

That shift changes everything.

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🧭 The Takeaway

Kids rise when they feel supported.
They shrink when they feel controlled.

Asking questions isn’t being passive — it’s giving your athlete the mental “steering wheel.”

The goal isn’t perfect answers.
The goal is helping them think like a confident athlete.

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👊 Put It Into Practice

After practice this week, ask three open-ended questions:

1. “What went well for you today?”

2. “What felt challenging?”

3. “What’s one small thing you want to build on next time?”

And here’s the key:
Let them talk more than you do.

This isn’t about fixing.
It’s about partnering.

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❤️ The Parents’ Bleachers

The authors remind us:
Giving kids control in small daily moments protects their long-term mental health.

When you shift from directing to asking, you’re telling your child:

“I trust you.”
“I believe in your judgment.”
“I’m here to support, not to control.”

That message builds confidence far better than any technique critique.

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⚡ BE THE CATALYST

Reply to this email:

Which question will you try first this week?

Forward this to another parent who wants to support their athlete without taking over.