🏋️♂️Let Them Struggle
Most parents say they want resilient kids.
Very few are comfortable watching them struggle.
Your athlete strikes out looking.
Forgets their homework.
Gets cut from the travel team.
Breaks down after a tough loss.
Every instinct in you wants to fix it. Call the coach. Email the teacher. Soften the landing.
But what if the struggle is the training?
🧠 The Insight
In How Children Succeed, Paul Tough makes a strong case that character traits like grit, self-control, optimism, and perseverance matter more than raw intelligence or test scores.
He pushes back on what he calls the “cognitive hypothesis” — the idea that IQ and academic skill are the primary drivers of success. Research he highlights shows something different.
Kids who can:
Delay gratification
Persist through boring or frustrating tasks
Recover from failure
Regulate their emotions
…tend to succeed at higher rates long term.
And here’s the uncomfortable part.
Those traits are not built in comfort.
They’re built in struggle.
🏈 The Story
One of the most famous studies Tough discusses is the marshmallow test.
Kids were given one marshmallow and told they could eat it now. Or, if they waited, they’d get two later.
Some kids rang the bell immediately.
Others distracted themselves. Looked away. Sang songs. Covered their eyes.
Years later, the kids who learned to wait showed stronger outcomes academically and socially.
It wasn’t about the marshmallow.
It was about self-control.
And self-control only develops when there’s something tempting or uncomfortable to push through.
No tension. No growth.
🔁 The Shift
Rescuing feels loving.
But premature rescuing steals reps.
When we step in too fast:
We prevent problem solving.
We reduce frustration tolerance.
We communicate, even unintentionally, “You can’t handle this.”
Struggle is not the enemy.
Toxic stress is the enemy. Neglect is the enemy.
But manageable, supported difficulty? That’s training.
Your role is not to remove all hardship.
Your role is to stay close while they learn to handle it.
🧭 The Takeaway
Character is malleable. It can be taught. It strengthens with practice.
And practice requires resistance.
Affluent kids often struggle with resilience because too many obstacles have been cleared for them. Tough points out that even high-achieving students can crumble when they finally face real adversity.
Struggle now, in controlled doses, is protection later.
👊 Put It Into Practice This Week
The 10-Second Rule
When your athlete:
Complains about practice being hard
Gets frustrated with homework
Melts down after a mistake
Pause.
Count to ten before stepping in.
Ask:
“What do you think you could try?”
“What would a tough version of you do here?”
“Do you want help, or do you want a minute?”
Give them the space to wrestle with it.
You’re not abandoning them.
You’re strengthening them.
🏅 The Locker Room
Struggle builds:
Problem solving
Emotional regulation
Confidence rooted in proof
Every time your athlete works through something without being rescued, they store evidence.
“I can handle hard things.”
That belief does more for their future than any stat line.
❤️ The Parents’ Bleachers
It is painful to watch your child hurt.
But ask yourself:
Are you protecting them from harm…
or protecting yourself from discomfort?
The goal is not to raise kids who never fall.
The goal is to raise kids who know how to get back up.
Stay near. Stay calm. Stay steady.
But let them struggle.
⚡ BE THE CATALYST
This week, practice the 10-second pause.
Then reply and tell me:
What was harder — their struggle… or your restraint?